Should my child attend a funeral?

When suffering a loss in the family, there are so many things to consider all at once. It’s an overwhelming time for everyone involved, and that’s especially true for parents and guardians who have the additional challenge of helping their children navigate the grieving process for the first time.

If you’ve found yourself in this position, and you’re worried about whether or not you should allow your child to attend the funeral of a loved one, the first thing to understand is that there is no right or wrong answer here. Funerals are an important part of the grieving process for many reasons, but whether or not children should attend depends on a range of factors specific to you, your situation, and your child.

In this blog, we will share with you some things to consider when deciding whether to take your child to a funeral, as well as alternative ways to get your child involved if you don’t feel comfortable bringing them on the day itself.

Things to consider when deciding if a child should attend a funeral

For parents and guardians deciding whether or not to bring their child to a funeral, there are a few initial questions to ask yourself which can help figure out if it’s appropriate and if they’re ready.

How close was my child to the lost loved one?

First, consider how close your child was to the person. If your child didn’t know them very well then ask yourself if it is worth putting them in that situation. Is this person someone who your child is deeply grieving and will it still affect them in a few years? People such as distant relatives they’ve only met a few times or a parent’s friend who they didn’t know that well may not require their attendance at all. However, if it’s a family member, a close friend or even a parent it’s important to acknowledge that your child will be grieving too and attending a funeral is a big part of the grieving process. Allowing your children to be a part of the ceremony that will allow them to say a proper goodbye may help them with closure.

Does my child want to go to the funeral?

It’s also a good idea to consider the child’s opinions. Let them make their own decisions on if they want to be a part of the ceremony. It’s important to let them know that they have a choice and that it’s valued by the adults around them. Be honest and open about what they will see and what will happen at the funeral and start by talking about how a funeral is a special ceremony to say goodbye and share stories about the person. Explain the process, what will happen and what they may see and hear, and be ready to answer any questions they may have. Most children respond well to this sort of honesty, helping to stop them from feeling left out.

Is a funeral age-appropriate for my child?

There is no set age of when a child should attend a funeral. Most people typically don’t bring children under the age of 3 as they may be worried about noise, however, it’s less about age and more about how well you think the child will take being at the ceremony.

What age should a child attend a funeral?

Remember that each child is unique, they will process grief in different ways and will have different emotional needs. There is no age limit on funerals, however, consider how they may react and how going to a funeral may affect that particular child based on how they have dealt with things in the past. Are they more prone to outbursts or are they more sensitive? Some 5-year-olds might handle sitting through the ceremony well, but some 8-year-olds may struggle with this, whether it’s emotionally or physically. Age doesn’t matter as much as the child themselves.

Thinking about this will allow you to support them better with their needs as well as how to approach the situation. We have a great blog fully dedicated to helping children cope with grief and loss if you need more information on this. It will take you through different stages of a child’s life and how you can spot signs of grief as well as how to help them deal with it.

Reasons why a child should attend a funeral

It’s completely normal to be unsure about taking your child to a funeral. However, there are actually a lot of benefits to doing this as well. Funerals aren’t just sad events, they make way for closure and comfort and are a healthy part of the grieving process.

Taking them to a funeral allows them to understand that feeling emotions like sadness and grief are okay. It will help them in the long run when it comes to embracing and accepting their emotions. It allows them to say goodbye properly and allows you to be honest with them about what’s happening and why. Children over the age of 5 will usually have an understanding of what’s going on so it’s best to be upfront and allow them to be a part of the process.

Common worries and how to address them

If you’ve decided that you want to bring a child to the funeral of a lost loved one, you will offer them the chance to say goodbye and it will help them to feel like their emotions are being acknowledged. However, you may still find worries and doubts creeping into your head, which is completely normal. To help you through this, we have included some very common worries and questions you might have in these times below, with our advice on how you can approach them, to help ease your mind.

I’m worried about what will happen when I get upset – Feeling upset and crying are very normal behaviours and are a part of life. Adults shouldn’t be so afraid to show children their emotions. It’s good for children to see that crying and feeling sad is okay. It helps to give the child permission to do the same, children will find it easier to express themselves emotionally if they see the adults in their lives doing the same. So don’t be afraid of this one.

I’m worried I won’t be able to answer their questions – Children are smarter than we give them credit for and are capable of managing their own understanding of topics. If you’re not sure how to answer something, you can always turn the question back to them to get them thinking. Try “That’s a good question, what do you think?”. It will let them know that asking questions is perfectly fine and they will likely end up answering the question on their own. It’s normal for them to be curious. The scariest thing for them will be the unknown so allowing them to ask questions and taking time to answer them will make the situation a lot easier for them. It will help them to know what to expect and why certain things are happening.

I’m worried they will misbehave – Make sure to discuss the importance of the event before going into it so they know what to expect. This will help to be prepared beforehand. You can also make sure to pack some quiet fidget toys to occupy them during the ceremony and if you keep reading we will share some other ways that they can get involved to keep them busy so you don’t have to worry about any fuss.

Other ways they can get involved

Many children will want to be involved in one way or another but this doesn’t exclusively mean making them sit through the ceremony. There are plenty of ways to get a child included in the funeral. For example, why not let them help pick the flowers? This will help them to feel included without having to be at the ceremony. Or if you’re worried your child won’t be able to sit still during the ceremony you can have them pass out service sheets to keep them occupied as well as giving them other tasks. You could even bring a pencil and paper for them and have them draw the ceremony, it will be a nice way to remember the ceremony as well as keep them from causing a fuss.

Find more support

Times like these are not easy for anyone, so if you’re still feeling unsure and would like some extra support then please feel free to get in touch with us. Or you can find out more at bereavement support to find out what kind of help is available to you.